Daddy Here I Am Again

“Prodigal”Living on my own, thinking for myself
Castles in the sand, temporary wealth
Walls are falling down, storms are closing in
Tears have filled my eyes, here I am againAnd I’ve held out as long as I can
Now I’m letting go and holding out my hand

Daddy, here I am again
Will You take me back tonight
I went and made the world my friend
And it left me high and dry
I drag Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end
Daddy, here I am
Here I am again

Curse this morning sun
Drags me in to one more day
Of reaping what I’ve sown
Of living with my shame
Welcome to my world
And the life that I have made
Where one day you’re a prince
The next day you’re a slave

 

 

I Wish

I pray for you everyday whether you know it or not. It hurts me to see you this way and how far you have slipped away. I wish the tears I’ve cried could bring you back to Him. But day by day my hope drifts away, I dry my eyes and go on with my life. I wish you could see what I see when I look in your eyes and the light just seems to die. Please run back to Him. He is calling your name, His heart is sad when you look the other way, He crys for you everyday. The things of this world will do you no good, in time they will all pass. I just wish you would turn your eyes to the skys and then you would know why I cry. Come back to Him, He is calling your name everyday.

Listen To The Silence

Have you ever wished you could just have silence? No yelling, no noise, just silence. I think in our generation today it is impossible. when you have a group of people that your talking to and for a second no one is saying anything, there always seems to be some one who has to make noise, Otherwise it’s “awkward”. I know because I do this myself. There always has to be music in the background or some other kind of noise, even when we are sleeping we fall asleep to the TV or the radio. I really realized this when I was standing on the porch with my boyfriend. We weren’t talking and he says, “your not gonna talk, ok I will”. Inside my head I was screaming NO!!! you don’t have to talk just enjoy the silence!!!  We miss so much when we are talking, more then we know. Silence is golden, not awkward. Next time there is silence I challenge you to just listen, whether you are by yourself or with some one else. Take it all in use something besides your mouth for once. Just listen to the silence, it holds so much to be discovered.

Laundry & Car Troubles

So I defiantly have not written in over a month and this may seem kind of irrelevant but its what is on my mind right now.

  Today I have not felt good at all, pretty much got all the flu symptoms. But aside from that I decided to do laundry tonight. I check the status on-line and it is practically empty so I drive over there and come to find out that its full! I start putting my laundry in and a security guard comes in and asks about a car parked in the handicap spot, I said its mine and I will be there in a minute. After getting lectured by him I attempt to start my car… well guess what, it doesn’t want to start. After trying a few times, I then called a friend to come help me. I sat in my car for a minute and started to cry, mainly because I was frustrated and cold and just wanting to go back to my room because I’m sick. I saw him coming, composed myself and got out of the car. He came and brought reinforcements. We ended up having to jump my car…but got it working…praise the Lord! He even drove me back to my room when I was done so I did not have to carry my laundry across campus.

To some this may not seem like a big deal but it meant more to me then those 3 could know. Don’t let the things you think are so little and would not mean anything to anyone pass you by. Because just a little gesture like what happened to me tonight can mean the world to someone and just put a smile on there face!

Thanks Rob  for helping with the car and my laundry; Brittany thanks for getting your car so we could jump mine; and Dave thanks for helping with the jumper cables. You guys are amazing! Also thanks for putting a smile on my face.

So lately I have had a lot of thoughts going through my head so I warn you in advance that this might be all over the place.

These past couple of weeks I really feel like I just don’t belong anywhere. It’s like no matter where I am I feel out of place. I have been home for the past week, but the entire week something just hasen’t felt right. But the thing is I can’t put my finger on it, its like this uneasy feeling that is there from the time I wake up till the time I go to sleep. Yes, part of that might be because my mom is not here, but I feel like its something more then that. I just wish I knew what it was. I feel like I’m spinning in circles, and I’m not talking about a merry-go-round where its nice and slow, I’m talking about full blown spinning in circles like a fair ride! I just want to feel like I belong somewhere, the sad part is I feel like I belong more at SEU then I do at home…I really don’t even know where I going with this, I feel like I’m rambling to an extent, but hang in there, there is a point to all this…somewhere. 

    I really think that God is about to do something huge! Something that no one has ever seen before. I think this is why I have felt so different these past few weeks. It’s in the air, I can sense it! I just know something is coming, I just wish I knew when. It’s almost like I have a heightened sense or something(I can’t really explain the feeling) But even now, while I’m typing this I can feel it. It’s everywhere! He’s doing something big…bigger then anyone has ever seen before. (sorry if I keep repeating myself) I just want everyone to know that something is about to break loose, I’m not sure what, but I do know that we all need to be prepared now more then ever! So just open your heart and listen, don’t shut Him out, because you really don’t want to miss this…because it’s going to be BIG!!!

Saying Goodbye

This morning I had to say goodbye to my mom. This will be the first Thanksgiving that I will not be with her. It was hard when I left this morning, there was lots of tears but also some laughs. She will be in Tallahassee with her husband all this week, and I will be with my dad, brother and sister. I am happy to be home, but I wish I was at my home. It is deffiantly going to be hard this Thanksgiving. Please keep me in your prayers…

On the brighter side, I know I am going to have a lot of fun this week with my family and friends. I am looking foward to a Loxahatchee Thanksgiving! haha

Pain…

I just try to hide the pain I feel inside, but the thing is it just wont go away with every passing day, I feel the hurt, its still there, I close my eyes and pray, just pray for God to take it all away. But you see I’m torn between two things, my heart rips at the seams. I hate this feeling of breaking, everything is crashing in, I can feel my soul screaming, screaming for a breath of fresh air. My heart is there, I know it is, barely beating, I can feel it leaving, I’m slowing dying, but I’m still trying. The air grows thick and I try and smile, but all the while my life is falling into the darkness, never to return to the way it was, that child like faith that I once had is slowing fading, I can’t believe its come to this, to choose where to go it’s just not fair. It’s becoming blurry now, I try and push back the tears, for the fear if just one falls I’m going to lose it all. But now there flowing freely, I can’t hide it anymore, the smile is gone, but life moves on. Does anyone care, can they see that I’m not all here. Strong on the outside, I don’t let them see what I struggle with, but today I’m dying, and each time I’m lying when the smile appears instead of the tears…”I’m fine” I say, but do you really know that I’m on my knees, face down because I can’t let you, see that daily I just try to hide the pain I feel inside….

Take My Heart…

As I close my eyes I see your face.  Im so afraid to give you my all. You already know my heart, so why am I trying to keep it from you? You believe in me, so why can’t I believe in me? Is it that hard to just give it all to you. I know you won’t break my heart, so why am I so afraid to give all of it to you? Its just that its been broken too many times, been told too many lies. The promises made were just thrown away, like they didn’t matter, like I didn’t care. Can’t you see that I want my heart to be free, to give it all to thee. No more playing games, its time to realize what you have for me inside. If I can just give my heart to you, whats broken will be made new. Oh Lord, just wash me clean, make me whole and new. For if I don’t do this soon, I fear what will happen to me inside. Let me trust you with everything I have. So tonight just let me know your near, hold my hand tight, because the tears are flowing now, but things are becoming more clear. Help me to give it all up for you. My heart is yours, and now I trust you more then ever before.

Home

So this weekend (which its only Saturday night) I came home for the first time since I left for college. So far its been a very interesting weekend, hanging with my mom, seeing my best friends, going to my friends party and trying to keep it under control, and as I’m writing this I’m at my dads listening to my little sister read to my dad. I was very excited to come home this weekend seeing as I haven’t got a chance yet. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I got to hang out with my mom a lot just me and her. That was so nice I miss her a lot when I’m at school. Thursday night I got to see both my best friends, Amanda & Andrew, and just talk and hang out for a while. Friday night was a lot more crazy…Amanda had a little get together at her house, but the problem was that it wasn’t that little. It turned out that about close to 2oo high school and college age kids showed up. You could not even walk through the house. And trying to park was even more of a task the road was lined with cars all the way to Seminole Pratt and down the canal side. (Thankfully I live across the street so I didn’t have to worry about this) It started to get out of control, kids were running around outside, hanging out by cars, and tearing up the neighbors grass. Long story short we got word that the cops were called so Andrew and myself (we were kinda in charge b/c others weren’t capable at the time) were running around letting everyone know that the cops were on their way and everyone needed to leave…we got most of the people out and the party down to about 40-50 people. Once a lot of the people left it was fine. The reason I said all that was to get to this. Over the summer I decided that I was going to stop drinking until I was allowed to. And at this party there were kegs and other alcoholic drinks, this was my real first test to see if I could keep my word. With guys asking me why I wasn’t drinking to my best friend pulling something out of his back pocket and offering to mix me something I was defiantly being tested. But I am happy to say that I stood my ground and did not have one drop of alcohol. (the stuff spilled on me doesn’t count haha) The  great thing is how God really worked in my life through all this ( yes He can show up even at a keg party) You see I had promised a friend before I left school that I would not drink at this party, I was still worried about it though. Well before the party my little sister and me were watching Veggie Tales; God has a funny way of speaking to us; the episode was about standing up for what you believe in, even if everyone else around is doing it, I was so shocked that I had to tell my friend that I made the promise too. He laughed and said sometimes God can be very ironic, who would have thought that He can speak to you through dancing vegetables. The great thing is that I realized I don’t need to drink to have fun, I can go to a party and just hang out with out having to drink. Besides its much more fun being sober and making fun of all the drunk people…haha nah I’m just kidding, but seriously.

 Lessons learned:pay attention to the little things, God is always trying to speak to us we just miss it because we are always too busy. 

I don’t need to drink to have fun, I actually have more fun when I don’t drink.

I Have Been Blessed

 My dad came and visited me today at SEU. Although he could only stay for a couple hours, it really meant a lot to me just to see him, and know that he loves me. Having him here on campus really just changed my whole attitude and outlook for the day. And I’m sure my friends could notice it to just by the smile on my face. But walking around with him just made me stop and think how precious the people in my life are to me. And how blessed I am to have them in my life. Yes, my life is pretty crazy with step-brothers, a step-dad, a parents girlfriend, a brother and sister, and people scattered everywhere, but when I stop and think about it some people don’t even have a dad and I have 2. And through all the craziness, I have more people in my life that are such a blessing that others can only dream to have in theirs. 

Also just walking around on campus and being able to say hi to people and hug them just brightens my day. And to have friends that will walk around with you and your dad for no reason even though its midterms and they could be doing much more important things, that lets you know who your real friends are.

I guess what I’m getting at is that I have really started to realize who is supposed to be in my life, who I need in my life, and who God has put in my life. And that the rest, really don’t matter at all.

So today I challenge you to stop and look at who God has put in your life. They are there for a reason whether you have figured it out or not. So just thank Him for those people that He has put in your life. And make sure you tell those people how much they mean to you as often as you can, because you may not get another chance.